I begin to question my unrelenting love for this game. A game that’s done nothing but rob me of shot registration on the internet for decades, while also protecting me from harmful UV rays. A game that’s caused much strife and anguish, yet shielded me from any chance at contracting sexually transmitted diseases. However, as time marches on, my hairline continues to fade, and my joints get further inflamed, I can’t bring myself to clean up the 2.56 GB on my hard drive dedicated to Day of Defeat.
Tonight I came home to learn that I’ve been muted from the Day of Defeat discord, moderated by the lost souls of years past. The same kids I grew up with languishing about getting banned from public servers for the unfortunate reason of being better than the admins in the server are now turning into the SquadLeaders of today. “Player change your name” has evolved to “Don’t post gifs in this channel.” Server mutes are done in the shadows with no reason given. OK, it was probably because I called you a pathetic loser, but in my defense, am I wrong? No. You are a pathetic loser.
It left a sour taste in my mouth. Why should I continue to dedicate my time and effort to grace this community with the unrivaled intellect and knowledge of the game, only to be met with disdain and hostility from players who can’t beat me in a Day of Defeat match? For at least 12 seconds, I considered scrapping this breakdown entirely. I almost torched it all and left the community forever.
Then I realized I don’t give a shit and you’ll always be a pathetic loser rofl here it is:
This isn’t mean to be taken seriously. I love you all, except for the discord pub admins because you all are lame as ****.
1. CoffeeLemonTea
What does this man have to do to get the recognition he deserves? How many times has he won these things and you still rank him as a tier 4 player? That has to be a typo, considering the results. Hailing from the Far East with 200+ ping, he’ll equip the light automatic and quickly get in the zone, which is too advanced for his teammates to understand, so instead of communicating, you’ll just have to trust him to get the job done. Be sure to turn into the alternative twitch.tv/coreymarko2 stream for the CoffeeLemonTea camera, where we will follow the top rated player in the server for 40 minutes, with commentary from hosts habib and sparz. Expect a star-studded cast of guests to trickle in and out as the rounds progress.
Professional Athlete Comparison: Sun Yue in 2009
2. Flux
This cat has mad experiense dating back to the 1st days of dod like circa 2002 kid on clans like meepins, TEC, highball, mTw, ve, revamped the good one that won cal-im not the shitty invite one that KNOCKOUT was on and dying breed the cal-im champions beating gomi in the playoffs heh cats these days are soft and cant compete with a champ like him kids like paul coon yo who the **** does this kid think he is now you all let paul coon in the dod finals yall have let this community go to shit heh
Professional Athlete Comparison: Ty Cobb, but only the wildly racist parts
3. Pdx
I’m trying to come up with any way to poke fun at him, but he’s such a nice guy and a very good player. Easily in contention for the #1 overall pick, if I had to bet I’d put my money on him. And he’ll do it with 150 ping. Let’s just get to my Brazilian professional athlete comparison already, because this one isn’t fun yet.
Professional Athlete Comparison: Oscar Schmidt
4. Toxinator
I can’t be 100% sure, because everything is done behind closed doors, but word on the street is in addition to be programmed to play day of defeat, toxinator is also programmed to build aggro off discord gifs and ban feuding council members for pointing out the pathetic nature of cleaning up the discord. While a formidable match in the server, the bot can be overwhelmed with discord gifs, which may cause a malfunction while trying to perform too many tasks at once. The gameplay will be set on hard mode, but you may be able to force a crash by coordinating discord gif attacks. The bot should go in the first two rounds, and will be difficult to deal with in any case.
Professional Athlete Comparison: The Anonymous RAW General Manager
5. Motiv
Another one of the game’s most experienced players, the evolution of his talent has been fun to watch. Arguably the most popular player stream, his viewer count has been known to reach the high single digits in some 12 mans. In a recent stream, we took a trip down memory lane, watching a demo of his from 2004. Among many strides he’s made, he’s since learned that advancing past the white stairs on Harrington is, in fact, not illegal. Increasing his mobility will lead to him being much more effective than we’ve ever seen him, and he can be a handful when he decides it’s time to pick up the Thompson and put on the full court press.
Professional Athlete Comparison: The Undertaker
6. Patten
You can really switch these two snipers, as I’m sure they wear the same size track pants. Drafting Patten will not only get you a top tier sniper, but a vast amount of renter legal advice that you didn’t ask for. If you haven’t paid rent in 4 months and have been out of work since the Trump administration, it would serve you best to draft Patten and hope there’s a prize pool for this thing. Spoiler: there isn’t.
Professional Athlete Comparison: Aaron Judge
7. Beas
While I’m on the subject of gaming dinosaurs, let’s talk about Beas. Arguably the most experienced player in this draft, you can expect a solid performance from the MVP of the first Day of Defeat CPL championship squad, all the way back in 2004. While he currently suffers from arthritis, dementia, and the occasional gout flare up, he is still a force to be reckoned with. As long as he can keep his mind straight and not forget the routes connecting the flags, he should be a first round pick and a top performing player.
Professional Athlete Comparison: Ric Flair
8. Jules
I’m still not entirely convinced he’s not an AI gamer bot unfortunately stuck in an infinite loop of day of defeat, unable to escape. I had a brief conversation with him once in the Kansas City/Buffalo playoff game, where we connected in disbelief of how Buffalo didn’t double him off the line leading up to the game winning field goal. Still not convinced he’s human, because come on, he’s the biggest target on the field and had 7 catches in the game, with Kansas City needing a quick 8 yards. It had TE seam written all over it, and you line up one guy on Kelce? Seriously Buffalo, what the **** was that?
Professional Athlete Comparison: Travis Kelce
9. Colin
Not much is known about this relative newcomer to the scene, other than he comes from dod:source, so you can assume he’s a top tier FPS gamer. Known for his prowess as a team player and commitment to winning, he will do whatever it takes to get the W. This has proven to include breaking rules, so opponents should be on the lookout for the spectator hop, which he used marvelously to win a match in the previous tournament, only to get controversially overturned after a short 2-hour review from the admins. I’m sure he has more tricks up his sleeve this time around, so I wouldn’t be surprised by a spinbot. Admins and opponents will have a full day dealing with this devious player ready to lie, cheat, and steal to survive and advance.
Professional Athlete Comparison: Eddie Guerrero
10. Louis
A true wildcard from across the pond, his effectiveness may hinge on whether or not he has rcon to the server. If he does, everyone connected will need to be on their toes. Whether it’s sudden shifts in mp_gravity or the constant spawning of grenades and throwing them until the server crashes, he can be an absolute menace to both teams involved in the match. Be sure to take screenshots early and often, as you’ll be needing those for when you get the server back up and need to restart the match. On the flipside, he may just disconnect at any time, leaving his team to play 5v6.
Professional Athlete Comparison: Michael Bisping
11. Jaggon
You can’t go wrong with the self-proclaimed most decorated soldier in all of day of defeat, as you’re sure to get maximum effort and enthusiasm with this pick. Although best as a sniper, he’s willing to grab any gun and always turn a safe double kill into a wild attempt at a 28 kill streak, simultaneously playing a soundtrack in his head and timing his peeks to fit the music. As far as communication goes, he’ll be shoutcasting his every move and while you may get annoyed with this, at least you’ll know the location of every player connected to the server. You’ll also be well aware of who is cheating on the other team.
Professional Athlete Comparison: Oscar Pistorius
12. Paintball
This guy is good for either 17 or 53 kills in a half, with no in between. He’s also good for 0 screenshots, so draft at your own risk. I would say the rewards far outweigh the risks of getting your matches overturned, but the amount of you losers spite disputing following a loss is astonishing. For that reason, I still expect him to go early, but probably not in the first round.
Professional Athlete Comparison: Ron “Metta World Peace” Artest
13. cK
We all have those people in our lives who, for some reason you can’t explain, just bring a smile to your face whenever they enter the room. For me, cK is one of these people whenever I hear his voice. As far as the dod goes, he’ll always drop his garand for a sniper rifle in any situation, and he’ll suicide grenade into the opposing team if given the opportunity. This might actually pay off on stupid bad maps like lennon and Harrington. Certainly worth a 2nd or 3rd round pick if you don’t already have a rifle.
Professional Athlete Comparison: JR Smith
14. Teamowner
If you have delusions of grandeur and want to make it big as a gaming YouTuber through day of defeat, you’ll want the owner of the team on yours. Strikes me as a pretty solid player these days on certain routes, but I think his preference for WCW over WWF in the 90s holds him back into the 2nd round. CLICK HERE TO SEE THE MOST INSANE DOD!!
Professional Athlete Comparison: Sting
15. Dbo
Prime example of what happens when a person is raised on the internet. There’s no way this guy exists in real life as the person he is on the internet. Surprisingly pretty good at dod, he can’t help but get in his own way when it comes to actually winning anything. He’ll catch a lot of cheating accusations, followed by frustration when he’s ultimately cleared of any wrongdoing. #Nevercheated but was also #Nevergood. If anyone knows of anyone hiring, he can really use a job.
Professional Athlete Comparison: I dunno, pick a free agent from any sport
16. Milo
Played with him some more, still don’t know anything about him. Honestly, I’ve played dozens of matches with him now and literally don’t know his first name. I’m pretty sure it’s not actually milo. Can anyone help me out here? In any case, he’s really good at dod and responds well when I tell him to pave a path for me. Good enough to be the best heavy in dod on any given match and any given map. Easy first round pick. I feel like I should at least know his favorite color, but I don’t. I’m starting to take personal offense here.
Professional athlete comparison: DeSean Jackson. I played baseball in high school with him, but I’m pretty sure he doesn’t know my name either.
I guess I will have to come back and kick all of your asses soon hahaaaaa!